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This microbook is a summary/original review based on the book: The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over
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Written by a former FBI agent, the 'The Like Switch' features several tools to start, maintain, and improve your ability to persuade people to do what you want. In it, Jack Shafer presents techniques to influence, attract and conquer people. Learn to find out if someone is lying to you, pass on the right messages to others and unravel the signs that people are trying to pass you unconsciously. Dr. Schafer explains how to make a good first impression and how to interpret verbal and nonverbal cues appropriately. This microbook teaches you how to pay attention to others and how to make people like you. Let’s get started?
If you want to influence someone, you need to be able to understand how a relationship and friendships are formed. You need to learn that there are 4 basic building blocks of friendship. They are proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity.
Proximity is when two people are in the same place and in the same space of time. People who spend time together, even when they do not talk at first, have a great chance of becoming close.
Frequency represents how many meetings two people have over a certain period of time.
Duration represents how long these meetings last. The amount of time people spend together is related to their influence on one another.
Intensity is related to the closeness and influence of one's actions and words in relation to the physical and mental needs of the other. One kind of intensity that works very well is to show your curiosity about other people.
These four building blocks can be used to develop new relationships or evaluate existing relationships. For example, couples who spend little time together are more likely to distance themselves. Analyze your closest relationships and see which of the 4 essential blocks are the strongest.
Another interesting way to use these building blocks is to move away from the other in cases of bad relationships. If you gradually decrease the closeness, frequency, duration, and intensity of the relationship, it becomes easier to have a friendly separation.
Our brains are constantly receiving messages from individuals around us. At all times, we instantly receive brain signals that say things like "friend," "neutral," or even "enemy." Unfortunately, some people send out enemy signals without even realizing it. For example, facing a person is a nonverbal expression that sends an enemy signal to unknown individuals. Many people learn this strategy to deal with stressful situations, functioning as a survival mechanism. You must know how to control it.
Young people today are no longer developing social skills because of new technologies. They used to learn how to understand and send non-verbal signals, but now they no longer learn because they are always sending messages or using social networks. They are losing practice with interpersonal situations. You need to have contact with the real world to learn how to deal with nonverbal signals.
When you meet new people, it's essential to make a conscious effort to get the right signals out so that person has a positive first impression about you. One such sign is to raise the eyebrow, moving them up and down for a fraction of a second. This sudden rise tells those you find that you are not an enemy and that you pose no threat. That often happens unconsciously. It is important to note that if a person does not return the gesture, he or she may not be interested in knowing you.
Exchanging looks can mean intense attraction or love, or can be perceived as hostility. If you raise your eyebrow in an exaggerated way, it can be seen as weird. If you are trying to send a friendly signal, make eye contact for only a second the first time. Otherwise, your behavior may be seen as aggressive.
To face is never a good sign and is generally understood as a threat. Another friendly and effective signal is to tilt the head. Leaning your head slightly to the left or right is perceived by others as a friendly gesture. That is because the carotid arteries that carry oxygenated blood to the brain are exposed when you tilt your head, signaling that you do not feel the need to protect yourself. A person who leans his head is perceived as attractive, friendly, trustworthy, kind, and honest.
A sincere smile indicates that the person is happy, enthusiastic, confident and open. The act of smiling improves our humor because it releases endorphin. On the other hand, false smiles in work situations or social situations may seem forced. A true smile reveals the corners of the mouth and wrinkles around the eyes of the person who laughs. The brain can easily distinguish between a false and a true smile.
Many other signs can be used. Touch can be used efficiently as a friendly signal, but it should be used with caution. A surprise reaction to a gentle touch indicates that the person is shy or does not trust you. Leaning toward a person suggests a breakthrough in the relationship while leaning in another direction indicates that things are not going well.
Being expressive also helps. It is clear that expressive gestures change from culture to culture, but the more expressive you are, the more focused the communication between you and the other person. It is also important to stay focused and avoid distractions while listening to another person.
Sometimes we send out enemy signals without even knowing we're doing it. Some of these may be long stares, eye rolling or wrinkling of the eyebrows. Facial tension is menacing, but sometimes it can be misleading because it can also be caused by stress and not by an intentional signal of enmity. Another enemy sign is the invasion of someone's personal space. This invasion can be done by exchanging looks or by physical contact. Appropriate behaviors vary greatly from person to person and from culture to culture. Therefore, they can be identified by carefully observing the person before continuing with their attempts at communication. It is extremely important that any signal sent seems natural and not overdone. Practice and observation are two great ways to master these behaviors and signals.
If you want people to like you, make them feel good about themselves. This concept is the basis for the success of any relationship. When you make people feel good about themselves, they associate you with positive feelings, and as a result, they want to spend more time with you. The biggest difficulty for you to achieve this is your own ego. It is our nature to feel that we are the center of the universe, so to reach this golden rule of friendship, we must learn to let go of our egos and focus completely on the other person. If you do this, others will like you and will want to make you happy in return.
One technique that works well is to express empathy. An expression of sincere understanding ensures that the focus of communication is on the other person and not on yourself. Statements of empathy show the other that you care and that you are really paying attention to their needs. To do it right, to keep an active eye and listen are the keys. Avoid repeating what the other person says.
Another great technique is praise but without flattery. Adulation is almost always perceived as opportunism. Praises are used to demonstrate that you appreciate someone's efforts or that something has been well done. Praise must be sincere, or it will not be effective. To praise an unknown person is also very effective since it shows sincerity and does not seem pure flattery. So as long as you make compliments, people will associate you and the compliments to positive feelings. Asking for a favor is also a good strategy because when a person does you a favor, it feels good. Certainly, one should not abuse favors.
The laws of attraction increase the chances that two people will be drawn to each other, and in the FBI Persuasion Handbook, several of them are described. People who have common interests are more likely to develop a solid relationship. Those who have very great differences, especially concerning their beliefs, may not work very well. Similarities to their beliefs give people greater security. Look for common physical characteristics such as the way you dress when you start a conversation with someone. Find out what a person does in life. Studying the person and finding common ground is the key to getting closer.
Also, study the personalities. Those people who have very different personalities of yours will probably not be so close to you. Find out and talk about mutual points as you begin new relationships. Contemporary experiences are those attitudes or interests that a person can share with you, while temporal experiences are shared over time. Substitute experiences are those you experience by describing the experience of others. Know then the laws of attraction:
The Law of Distribution says that it is possible to be in the right place at the right time. If you are close to a person who feels good because they practice physical exercises, they can associate those feelings with their presence. That can also happen when two people share a fear or a complicated situation; The experience can bring them closer.
The Law of Curiosity says that when you leave a person curious, that person will want to interact more with you to meet that curiosity. The law of reciprocity says that people usually give back what they receive, be it a smile, gesture or favor.
There is also the Law of Self-Revelation. This law says that the more you reveal about yourself, the more the other person will be attracted to you and the more you will reveal about yourself. It is important to keep these revelations specific and not too intimate at first.
The Law of Personal Attraction says that attractive people are perceived as more honest, intelligent and more talented than those who are not attractive. Some instant ways to improve attractiveness: make eye contact, smile, dress well and listen to others.
The Law of Humor says that people who use humor appropriately in their encounters are considered to be more sympathetic, trustworthy and attractive. Smiling also releases endorphin.
The Law of Familiarity says that the closer you get to someone, the more likely you are to become friends, while the Law of Association works as a warning about who you consider close to you. You are likely to be judged by those who are associated with you.
According to the Law of Self-Esteem, when you appear to have high self-esteem and a lot of confidence, it becomes desirable for people seeking a relationship. But be careful not to look arrogant, which is different because it makes others feel inferior.
The Law of Availability states that we are attracted to things that are difficult to achieve. When we finally succeed, our enthusiasm diminishes. And that's why being mysterious at the beginning of a relationship is good advice.
The Law of Difficulty states that sometimes two people who do not like each other very much at first can approach and have a solid relationship. Many romantic comedies are built upon this premise.
The Law of Personality says that it is important to find out if the other person is introverted or outgoing. Personality traits are not always of one type or the other, but people usually tend to one side. It is always good to reveal your true personality when you meet a new person.
And finally, the Law of Praise reminds us of the importance of expressing sincere praise.
The more you encourage the other person to speak, the more you listen to what she/he says, empathize, and respond positively when you react to his or her comments, the more likely the person will feel good about herself and, consequently, like you. That is the Golden Rule of Friendship.
The words we use can build or destroy relationships. It is essential to always listen to each other. The key to successful verbal behavior can be summed up in one word, "LOVE" and its related points: listening, observing, verbalizing, and sympathizing. If you cannot hear a person, it is difficult to find out what they want or need.
Keeping eye contact while listening to someone is crucial. It is also very important to avoid interrupting the person who is speaking. Using phrases that demonstrate empathy while hearing to another person makes them aware that you are paying attention. It is also essential to watch the other person while interacting with them. Watching for nonverbal cues lets you find out if your interaction is going well or if you need to adjust what you are saying or doing. If a person wrinkles their lips, it is a sign that they may not agree with what you are saying, so making adjustments may be necessary.
When expressing your thoughts and feelings, it is important to be aware that your tone of voice and speech speed can influence what you are trying to communicate. Both can hinder the message if used incorrectly. What you say is important too, so be sure that you are careful with your words, especially when you are right and the other person is wrong. Keep in mind that praising the other person or trying to raise their status is always an effective verbal strategy.
Finally, it is vital to avoid talking about issues that can bring negative feelings and avoid talking about yourself. You should also avoid random conversations and observe other people's emotions while communicating verbally.
Making friends requires a particular bond that holds relationships: affinity.
There are various levels of friendship, ranging from strangers, casual encounters, acquaintances, and friends. Intensity and frequency increase as people maintain their relationships, and affinity is what builds the psychological connections between two people.
Some behaviors can tell a lot about the existing affinity and the potential of the relationship. Among them, we can mention the touches, the hair play, and visual contact, for example. In contrast, some barriers to a connection may include behaviors such as crossing arms, using objects such as obstacles, and any attempt to block your body or chest.
Anxious people may also blink rapidly or close their eyes for a long period of time. Carefully observing all of these behaviors will help you realize if your efforts to maintain good connections are working.
"All solid relationships begin as a superficial relationship and develop as all friendships, with the understanding and use of the tools to build and maintain affinity."
The most important behavioral interaction in a loving relationship is caring. To keep the relationship close and active, keep your attention on the following points, represented by 4 letters:
C.A.R.E - The 'C' represents compassion and concern for others. Showing sincere concern for a person is crucial. A - 'A' represents active attention. R represents the reinforcement. It means how you reward or punish your partner for specific behaviors. It is important to be positive, avoid perfectionism and unrealistic goals and be sure that one mistake does not erase all the good things your partner has achieved. Praise and encouragement are important in a relationship, but always be sure that you are sincere. E represents empathy. The ability to put yourself in your partner's shoes and really care about your feelings.
Unfortunately, anger can be a component of any relationship. Taking adequate care of interactions with nervous people can save relationships. If possible, avoid relating when the person is irritated, because they are very likely not thinking clearly. After communicating with an angry person, take the time to relax and organize your thoughts. Often, explaining the attitudes that led to anger is enough to resolve the situation. Use empathic phrases and allow the nervous person to vent. Phrases that offer a possible solution work very well even if the angry person does not agree with the solution.
Sometimes, even with your best efforts, you can not save a relationship. The reasons why relationships go wrong include issues such as interests or personalities that have changed over time, a desire for freedom, a need for change, infidelity, and increasing incompatibilities. It is not impossible to overcome any of these problems, but it takes hard work, and both individuals need to be willing.
As long as you know how to differentiate your friends from the opportunists, the internet world offers some distinct advantages.
Building relationships online can be great for introverted people because they have more time to think about what they would like to communicate and social pressures are not as intense as face-to-face encounters. There are many interest-based groups on the internet so it's easy to find people who can be compatible with you. It is also easy to interact with people online, and the chances of being embarrassed if a relationship does not work out are much smaller. Also, you can preview people based on the qualifications you determine.
But there are some problems with online exposure. One of the most significant risks is the fact that everything you do on the internet leaves an eternal digital mark. Be careful about what you put online about yourself. People have had relationships destroyed because of photos or information they shared online.
Also, it is important to avoid using electronics in public places, which may not be safe. It is also unkind to use a device constantly while spending time with other people. When sending emails, the context should determine how formal they should be, and it is always a good idea to check the grammar before sending. Please use an appropriate email and do not type in uppercase. Do not write an email when you are feeling disturbed or very sad. Be sure to check who sent the email to avoid errors. On social networks, use the appropriate filters and remember that everything you post can be copied and shared. Be careful when accepting strangers in your network.
Be careful when looking for friendships or love relationships on the internet. Remember that things may not be what they look like and that there are many scams and malicious people waiting for victims. People will say things online that they may not have the guts to say personally, so you may feel cheated.
Online profiles are often misleading. Unfortunately, nonverbal and verbal cues that can be used in face-to-face interactions do not exist online, so other skills are needed to verify that the person is honest or not. It is best to assume the worst until the face-to-face meeting proves that the other person's identity is authentic. That is a great way to avoid being mistaken. Finally, use the internet with caution to avoid dangerous situations.
It is possible to read the signals given by other people properly and also to send verbal and nonverbal messages that initiate and build strong relationships at work or in your social life. The more you make others feel good, the more they will like you. Also, being nice will help you get started, build, and maintain your relationships. Pay attention to nonverbal cues and clues: they can guide you and show you the path to stronger and more lasting relationships.
12min tip: Want to learn more about persuasion? Read our microbooks based on Influence and Persuasion, works by the great professor Robert Cialdini. Want to learn more about FBI tactics? Read our microbook based on Never Split the Difference, by Chris Voss.
Jack Shafer is a former special agent for the FBI's National Security Division Behavioral Analysis Program and author... (Read more)
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