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This microbook is a summary/original review based on the book: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships
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'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' is a definitive guide on how to have a happy relationship. Author John Gray shows how men and women are different in their way of thinking and how they communicate. Learn how your partner thinks, what motivates you, and develops better communication. Understand the feminine and masculine perspectives on each thing. Countless relationships end because people do not understand how the other feels. Want to learn from John Gray and the 12' how to maintain a good relationship? Come with us!
When women have bad problems or feelings, their instinct is to talk about them. Men, however, remain quiet and introspective. Although these are natural responses of each gender, they are directly opposite. It is difficult for both man and woman to deal with these emotional contradictions. Talking helps the woman, so she assumes that the man will also want to talk. But he does not want to and can not understand why she gets so upset when he does not give her space at such times. It is easier to understand attitudes, so you try to know why each one acts like this.
For example, John is a man and likes to solve his problems independently. He prides himself on self-sufficiency and rarely asks for help. So when he comes home with problems in his mind after a hard day at work, he wants to do some activity alone that allows him to kill time. Perhaps John's favorite activity is watching a game on television; the program allows him to think about other things until the problems are no longer in his mind. Then he will be more willing to speak and offer emotional support to Mary.
Maria also works hard and her day is full of problems that make her emotional. When she gets home, she wants to talk to John about the problems and get them out of her mind. As she talks about her problems out loud, she can process her feelings and get them off her chest, so they will not bother her anymore. Then she will feel better and can take care of John and his needs.
Both arrive at home with different ways of resting emotionally, which can cause a big fight. The solution is to be committed to one another. If both understand what the other needs, they will know how to provide that. If Mary really needs to talk, John can wait to meditate on his problems after helping her. And if John can't handle conversations until he has relaxed, Maria can wait until he feels better or calls a friend to talk.
Women need to talk to cure themselves emotionally, and men need silence and solitude. Each needs their turn - you must adopt a system in which you give, and the other receives each time. Balancing a man's need for solitude with a woman's desire to discuss problems is the perfect formula for emotional peace and happiness in the home.
Men and women solve their problems differently. But when we are dealing with partners' problems, we sometimes think how we would act if we were in their place as opposed to thinking about what they really need from us. When a woman talks about a problem, she usually wants to be listened to. When a man has a problem, he wants to find a solution and does not want the interference of others. If you think you are constantly upsetting your partner when you try to help him, then you may need to change your approach.
John is setting up a bookcase for Mary. Maria arrives at home and realizes that he is having difficulty building the shelf. She suggests that he call his brother for help. As a woman, Mary believes that she is showing her love and consideration for John when she offers her counsel. But John thinks his interference happens because she does not trust his abilities. He wants Mary to believe that he can finish the job and that she appreciates his effort. Advising a man is not always the best way to care about him. Instead, show that you value his effort by letting him handle the situation himself and then thank him for what he did.
Maria comes home from work exhausted, talking about her day. Frustrated and upset, she tells John that she is getting overwhelmed at work. As a man, John thinks that an appropriate way to show love and consideration is to offer solutions to Mary. He tells her to resign from work and look for a new one, which she likes. Mary is sad because John does not understand her. She does not want him to solve her problems; she just needed him to listen to her so she would feel better. A woman is rarely looking for solutions when she tells someone about her problems. Just listen and care for her. If she wants a solution, she'll ask for one.
It is instinctive for a woman to offer advice when she sees someone in trouble, but men do not want advice unless they ask for it. And men react to women's problems by offering solutions, because that's what they want when they talk about a problem. But women just want someone to listen and pay attention. Even when we have the best intention, we can do the wrong thing. When confronting a problem, give your partner what he needs and not what you would like him to give you if he were in his place.
As they think differently, often the impression we have is that men and women speak two different languages. Although they use the same words, they do not always attach the same meaning to them. Men are literal and direct when they speak; they keep things hidden until it is absolutely necessary to speak. Women, on the other hand, are expressive and dramatic; when they feel something, they speak immediately. Often this creates misunderstandings that can turn into hurt feelings and discussions.
If you take the time to translate what your partner wanted to say before you react, you can avoid communication problems that hurt relationships. If Mary says "we never go out," John's first instinct is to feel guilty and correct her by remembering the last time they did. But the word "never" is an exaggeration that Mary used to express how she feels. She probably did not want to accuse him of anything. Translated, that means, "I'd like to go out with you because we have fun together. Can you take me out?" Understanding what Mary meant could prevent John from reacting defensively against an accusation and invalidating her feelings. He can listen patiently and respond in a way that makes her feel understood, recognizing her feelings and understanding what she needs.
If a concerned Mary asks how John is feeling, he may respond superficially: "I'm fine." Maria interprets this as a problem and will want to question it repeatedly until it responds in greater depth. But that can make John angry. For John, "I'm fine" translates as "I'm dealing with my problems, and I do not need help, thank you." The best tactic is to let John meditate on his problem alone and just talk to him if he wants to. He will value her confidence and maybe then decide to talk about her problem.
Practice translating your partner's language, and you will soon find that this will improve your communication. Look for the meaning behind what your partner says. It is also wise to remember that what you say can be misinterpreted. From the moment you begin to listen and translate, you can try to speak more directly, and your partner will understand better.
Learning to translate is a great start, but to improve your communication you need to understand your partner's motivation. Men and women are guided by different things, and it is easy for a relationship to get off the rails if no one understands these motivations. Men are mainly motivated when they feel they are useful. John wants to know that Mary needs what he can give and that she values it. Women are motivated when they feel loved. Mary needs to know that she is loved and respected by John.
John's instinct as a man is to take care of his own needs above all else. When he feels valued, he puts the needs of Mary above his own. But if he begins to doubt that she values him, his instincts will dominate him, and he cares for himself in the first place. So if Mary does not express her gratitude for the things he does to please her, he will simply stop doing them.
Mary's instinct as a woman is to take care of everyone's needs over her own. She believes that when she does things for John, he will do it for her too. But even if Maria feels that John does not take care of her, she will continue to take care of him - except that now she will begin to resent him. If John does not care for Mary's needs, listening when she speaks or doing little things that show that he cares, resentment will begin to grow.
To counter this, when John does things for Mary, she needs to show gratitude by acknowledging what he did and thanking. That will motivate you to continue and to do even more. When Mary needs something, it is important that she feels confident that John will take care of it. This balance allows both to build a healthy and strong relationship in which both fulfill their emotional needs. Work to achieve this balance in your relationship with your partner and develop stronger links.
Some men describe female emotions as a "roller coaster," because they can suddenly swing. It is difficult for a man to understand these emotional fluctuations, and this may cause them to believe that they have done something wrong to provoke this displeasure or annoyance. However, in fact, these emotional changes are completely normal for women. Women need this to clean themselves emotionally over time and to make them feel happy and healthy. It is important that men know this natural process and that they have the patience to offer support.
Overall, Mary is a happy woman who cares about everyone around her. But John noticed that sometimes Mary is deeply sad, and he does not understand why. Her self-esteem plummets, she becomes sad or nervous for no reason and does not care for others as before. John thought he had done something to annoy Mary, but he does not know where the problems come from.
Contrary to what John believes, this is normal behavior, and he probably has not done anything wrong with Mary. Mary is a woman, and to express herself and release her negative feelings, she may occasionally feel sad and need to talk about her emotions. If Mary wants to make this process easier for John, she can reassure him that it is not his fault. And if John finds it difficult to deal with her behavior, Maria can look for a friend to talk about her feelings. However, John must do his best to support Mary during this time.
Supporting a woman during a difficult time in her emotional spectrum only requires her partner to be willing to listen, without trying to solve her problems and without telling her that she should not feel that way. She needs to be allowed to feel sad and hears that it's okay to do so. With attention and solidarity, this emotional crisis will end, and it will be back to normal. As support continues, the frequency and duration of the crisis will decrease.
While female emotions vary greatly, men approach or withdraw from intimacy. As a man becomes more intimate and closer to a woman, he reaches a point where he is suddenly terrified. He feels that he is losing his self-sufficiency and needs to move away. This is totally normal, but you can leave your female partner feeling hurt or confused. If she reacts by chasing him or criticizing him for having walked away, he can cause serious damage to his relationship.
John and Mary are becoming very close and growing in intimacy and Mary is very happy. But, suddenly, John walks away and does not want to share his feelings and spend time together or work on their relationship. Maria is frightened, thinks that she can lose it and feels that she has done something wrong to push him away. Her first instinct is to run after him and force him to talk about what's going on. But this is a bad idea.
John is a man, and he is simply acting naturally. He must briefly step away until he regains his sense of independence. If Mary interferes in this time of necessary solitude, she will make John feel angry or guilty. Instead, she must understand that this is normal and give him the space he needs. After a while, John will rush back to her and be ready to love her as before. The better she handles this process, the faster it will return to it.
All men are inclined to this pattern of running away suddenly and then running back. They need support at these times, and the woman can support him giving space and not judging his need for independence. The man can reassure the woman that he will return. Each time he runs away and returns, he can get even closer emotionally.
When you learn how to translate what your partner is saying, you can reduce the number of communication failures that cause discussions. You can also create your own, more accurate language to help your partner understand their emotional state. The main emotional needs of men and women may be different, but learning to talk about them effectively will help you to understand them better.
Also, understanding the natural emotional cycles of men and women is important in maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. Men naturally move away from intimacy at times, but when they feel free, they return. Female emotional variations have little relation to their partners. When they reach the bottom of the pit, all they need is the support to get back to normal.
Men seek acceptance and women seek to understand. They are motivated by very different things. Accept your male partner by letting him solve his own problems and valuing his efforts. Give your female partner understanding by listening to her, resisting the need to offer solutions to her problems, and doing little things to show that she cares. Sometimes it may seem that men and women are from different planets, but striving to understand each other's motivations and emotional responses ensures that you find yourself in the middle of the journey and get a loving relationship based on commitment and compassion.
12min tip: If you liked this micro book and want to learn a little more about relationships, how about seeing our micro book on How to Make Friends and Influence People?
John Gray is an American writer and author of books on behavior and relationships such as Men Are From Mars, Women Are F... (Read more)
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